I am 56.
At this point in life I should be pretty well established in a career, in friendships, in purpose. i should be anticipating retirement in a few years. In essence, I should know who I am.
So much of my life has been spent “trying to become”. Whether it was a better father, a better Christian, a better son, brother, husband, friend. I desired to be noticed, to be accepted, to be loved, to be admired, to be looked up to, to be significant, to make a difference. Each time I began to pursue these things I was reminded by the small, critical voice that I will never be anything. I was told in my youth by a parent unable to love me, and peers that wounded my emotions and spirit with gleeful abandon, that I was a failure, that I was unworthy, that I was damaged.
I have envied, and despised in my heart those that have “made it”, seem to have it all together with career, family, and friends. I have felt cheated, ignored, abandoned.
My life has been tossed between the waves of anxiety and despair. I have been enveloped in the thick, dark clouds of depression and hopelessness.
I built a wall of defense to protect my fragile and injured heart from more damage. This wall is covered with graffiti reminding me to never be too happy, never let people know the hurt they cause. pretend to be fine, act as if I have it together, never allow anyone to discover me, because I are less than others, I have nothing to contribute, I will never measure up.
And now I am older. I have squandered my life in so many areas, living in fear, self doubt, and procrastination.
This past Sunday in church during worship a fog of loneliness filled my heart and mind. While everyone else is singing of their perfect relationship with God, all that is going through my head was that I am such a f***-up.
I wish one could reset their lives, like one can reset a computer.