day 65…

The more  i think about “church” the more detached i feel. i guess that is not a good thing. but there exists such a dichotomy that i do not know if there ever can be an integration.

these are the issues for the average american evangelical church…

rabid patriotism, abortion, prayer/bible reading in school, homosexual agenda in general, gay marriage in particular, getting republicans elected to office (it doesn’t matter how corrupt they are if they espouse the next issue…), “family values”  (whatever that means), banning certain movies, books, music, television programs, making sure people say merry christmas (not the blasphemous happy holidays) and that nativity scenes are allowed on public property. theses are the “social concerns” of the redeemed. now let us look at church politics.

The things important in church are…

the right bible version, the right clothing worn, the right music sung (hymns or 1970’s choruses) and played on instruments that don’t invoke the demons of hell (read drums, and electric guitar). preaching holiness, righteousness, condemnation forgetting the amazing grace part (preaching grace makes people want to sin), preaching God’s wrath against the evil outsiders, constructing an us against them mentality. telling people that all they need is the bible and to read because all the answers to all your questions are in there, to use anything else is to be labeled a heretic or worse a L-I-B-E-RA-L ( so evil is this word that i needed to spell it rather than just typing it), but i digress. Here are a few more.  not associating with someone from a different denomination out of concern of polluting the holiness that exists in your particular denomination. Creating a church climate of cliques and closed groups of people unwilling let new people in. Creating a climate of fear and pretending so that no one really knows what your struggle is and how hurt you are because to be transparent is to put youself at risk of rejection and hatred (surprisingly christians can hate better than most non-christians). This last issue of having to pretend is most obscene to me since it drives people who struggle with lifelong problems far from the only place that supposedly promises unconditional acceptance, love, and grace. 

Now lets just take a look at issues in the world and see how these mesh with the aforementioned mentioned issues…

worldwide poverty, worldwide starvation, exploitation of women, men and children into slavery, little children abducted and made to fight a war that is pointless, homelessness, HIV/AIDS decimating parts of the world, ethnic cleansing, war refugees by the hundreds of millions, child abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, the dehumanizing of women in may parts of the world….and there is more, there is sooooooooooooooooooo much more but i need to stop since my heart is truly hurting at this point. everywhere there is suffering, everywhere there is pain. where is the church? WHERE IS THE CHURCH?

Oh, they are over there……..see them? the group of smartly and modestly dressed individuals reading one of their many leather-bound bibles and complaining that there are not enough hymns this week in the air-conditioned service (although it is a bit too cool). They are also concerned that too many people get up during to service to go to the restroom, it is very distracting you know.

what the “f” is wrong with this picture?

Day 63….continuing on the journey

since my last post i sort of came to a place where i was beginning to feel very indifferent toward the church and toward people in the church. my passion, my desire to see something new hit a wall. i started to think there is no point to continuing on this journey, it may just lead to nowhere. i have to admit that i struggle daily with all of this. there are other struggles, other fears, other doubts that plague me.

some people tell me that i am just too introspective, that i just need to let go and enjoy life, that i just need to relax. can i be honest here? all those well meaning people with their well used comments seem to say to me, “just give up this passion, this ideology, this is as good as it will ever get, this is your life, there is nothing else. just live like everyone else.”

I CAN’T!

i feel like there is something burning inside of me that tells me that there is so much more…but what is it?

each day i get a little older and  i feel like i am missing it…grief overwhelms me when i dwell on this point too long.

i want to experience more…i want to have a positive impact…i want someone to understand me but i fear that i cannot explain this smoldering, glowing ember inside. if only the wind of understanding would blow over it…it would ignite a fire within.

sometimes i think that God keeps us in the dark…i don’t know why. does He care? does He know the paradoxical life that i live.

i think that this torment of soul drives me to desire a church that does what the church has not done in millenium, give people a place to experience acceptance and an otherworldy love not found in anything in this world.  i need a church like that. if people in church knew the “hidden me” they would reject me outright. if other struggling people in church shared their “hidden others” they too would be rejected. church in many ways is no different than any social club. where is the love and support and grace?

tonight i talked to a very good friend on the phone…i cry when i hang up…i feel unable to help him in his hurts…i want to share with him what is inside but because if his pain i keep mine a secret. i do not think that he can handle it.  

so there is no where to go…and for millions of others there is no where to go.

where is the ”Body of Christ”?

Out condemning the heathen i guess.

The 53rd Day of the journey

When you “get saved” you are immediately told that you are a “new creation” and that all the old had gone and the new has replaced it.  The euphoria that one initially feels seems to confirm that, and you feel free and sinless and pure and without burden, kind of like a “back pain”  sufferer of many years cured at a Benny Hinn healing service.  You read your Bible daily, pray and “witness” telling all your relatives and your soon to be ex friends that they are bound for hell unless the accept Jesus.  When you first walk into a church you honestly believe that the people are loving, kind, and accepting of you as you are.

The days turn into months then months into years, and just like the back pain returns to those healed by “Pastor Benny” the euphoria turns into occasional excitement, then boredom, hidden by the wall of well rehearsed language of the church that give others the impression that you are spiritual and mature. The people in the church that seemed so loving, kind, and accepting begin to loss some of the love when you don’t conform the tried and true traditions of the church. Many people at this point leave the church they have attended,  searching of a new church that will offer them the excitement they are lacking. 

Others leave the church all together when they do not see the reality of  unconditional love, grace, and mercy in the congregation in which they are members. They conclude that Christianity’s claims are false.

Others leave the church when the “old sins” of their past come back to haunt them and they are told by “concerned” friends that they need to pray more, fast more, attend this or that conference, submit themselves to the lunacy of ideas like Theophostics or other equally bizarre “counseling” modalities. Then after all this, when they still struggle they are shunned by people in the church because they must be in some sort of unforgiveable sin or be demon possessed, or not trying hard enough, or not really saved at all. This last idea is most grievous because it focuses on what the person is doing rather than what God has done though Christ. This lie is one of the enemy’s favorites.

So what is the answer…so far this journey has caused me great sadness at times because i do not see a way out of the labyrinth of tradition.

What about all of us who do not fit in, filling the fringe of the evangelical movement and seeing the abuse of power by some, the worship of tradition, and the fear some in leadership have of losing their jobs if they rock the boat. If the gospel is true and there is true freedom and acceptance and grace and unconditional  love because of Christ, why not tip over the boat and begin again….a new reformation the challenges the status quo.

Does anyone see the need?

Day 52 on the journey

As i continue on the road…a road that is mostly hidden and not well-defined, i experience moments of despair, flashes of hopeless, and a great deal of loneliness.

Tonight i went to the fall concert at my daughters school. It was there that i started to think.

The first thought i had came to mind as i listened to one of the school bands play. There were quite a few different instruments, Some had large roles, some small, but each, when following the conductor, fit in perfectly with the other instruments, and the result was the creation of soothing or upbeat melodies. Then the thought struck. What if there was a church were the “instruments” didn’t worry about what the other “instruments” looked like or sounded like but each “instrument” focused on following the conductor? The result would be a place where the melodious sound of beauty and grace exuded and people sitting around watching the church would be blessed. What if there was a church like that?

The second thought, and a more ominous one washed over me while listening to a song one of the choir’s sang. What if i have wasted my life?  i am 51 and i look at my past and realize that it is no different that the billions of people who have gone before me. i look at what i have added to the world and realize that there is nothing of  significance. Let me be clear here, i am not trying to make a name for myself, i do not care about that, it just feels at times so pointless, so futile, so empty. How has God touched someone in the world through me?  Does my life matter? Is Christianity, just a religion, like all other religion created just to give us some sort of hope in a future   so that we can just trudge through this life dreaming of a bettter afterlife?

I remember a while back walking through the cemetery behind my house looking at headstones. It probably wasn’t a good day to do this, dark clouds hanging heavily in the sky, the ground frozen and hard underneath my feet, the cold winter wind blowing through the leafless dormant trees. Each stone had a name, some had a picture, most of them had two dates, birth and death. Some lived a few months, some a few years, some a very long time. Yet now they were all here and a stone was all that marked their lives.

I tried to imagine what they may have died from, how that impacted the families. I tried to think about families saying they will never forget, yet by the look of some of the stones, they had been forgotten and all that was left was a cold grey stone forever speaking out their name to an empty graveyard. Great grief overcame me that day, and a fear that the only thing left after i die is a two sentence obituary and crooked headstone.

I know, morbid thoughts…but don’t you think that there should be more significance to life?  That we were created to achieve great things?  That thought burns in my heart every day, that there should be more, and life should be more amazing different from what we exist in. I despise the idea of living to an old age and then just sitting in a rocker in plaid pants pulled up to my chest, or puttering around in the garden, or going to the senior citizen center every day for a lunch and game of cards. For me that would not be living, but rather merely existing. I want to live.

Perhaps this ideal that i have for myself to really live is just that, an ideal, something unattainable.  Maybe i have to be “realistic” like many people tell me.

Perhaps the ideal of church described in my last blog is just that too and the church is just supposed to exist in its tradition. Maybe i need to let go of the ideal and be realistic when it comes to church.

Perhaps not.

the 49th day

i have realized that some of what i am questioning and sharing could lead to my being asked to resign for my position of elder in my church. i thought about that today. At first i thought that maybe i need to pull back and not be so vocal. Maybe couch my words in a soothing tone.

But i cannot. Too many in the church and so many outside the church do not understand the essence of the Gospel because we as Christians for the last 30 or so years have done a fabulous job of turning the truth into something other than what it was meant to be. We have confused the idea of God so much that to stand against this present tradition of Evangelicalism is to be considered heretical.

Take politics for example. So many believers foam at the mouth when it comes to government intrusion into the church walls and church schools and families lives YET those same people rant and rave when it comes the government NOT making laws against abortion or gay marriage which are also personal issues. These people want to ban this, boycott that, and try and infuse Christian ideology into a clearly secular culture. They will lie and exaggerate the truth to try and get a “Christian” law passed, and then cry that they are being persecuted when someone slaps their hand and says no. 

So here is a newsflash…..America IS NOT a Christian nation and there is NO WHERE in the Bible where Christians are called to “save America”. In the process of trying to save America do these people realize that they are completely altering the message of Christ and morphing it into “another gospel”. Are we so blind that we cannot see that?

I recently finished a book by the author Max Blumenthal, “Republican Gomorrah”, and i have to say that it was an amazing book. Not only did he expose the behind the scenes work of James Dobson, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, et al., his writing has shown me how people not under the Christian banner see Christians. i was completely blown away.

We need to stop! Stop trying to make culture fit our narrow worldview, stop condemning those outside the church, stop blithering about how the USA is going to hell in a handbasket because prayer and bible reading have been taken out of school 40 years ago. Stop standing against a hate crimes bill that seeks to protect people, stop standing against a change in health care that will help millions…..stop shouting, judging, complaining, whining, suing, bellowing half-truths, STOP! STOP!! STOP!!!

This is not the Gospel….wake up! We have taken our eyes off the cross, off unconditional love, off grace, off forgiveness and have become for all intents and purposes a small, political, angry, special interest group. We are failing in the mission and we don’t seem to care.

Is this what Christianity has become? Do I want any part of it? Does it make me want to vomit?

48th day

Sometimes people will ask my why am i so angry with, or why do i hate church?  The simple answer is that i do not “hate” church, or pastors, or Christians (i am one)! The thing i hate, the thing that makes me angry and frustrated and upset is what some in the church pass off to the world as Christian. One example here may suffice.

A couple months or maybe a little longer now we had a “informational” meeting at our church. The meeting was meant to allow for people to open up about their concerns about the church. One of the concerns involved people drinking coffee during the service. This person felt that it was disrepectful to God. Now that is all well and good and if that person felt that she was disrespecting God then she probably shouldn’t drink coffee in the service. 

Well move ahead a week….I had just finishing polluting the minds of the young adults i teach in Sunday School with liberal theology and was headed for the “sanctuary” for the service, in my hand was a large cup of coffee (the elixir of life, i fondly call it).  I pull open the door and suddenly feel a hand in my shoulder. Imagine my surprize when, rather than receiving the canned “good morning, how are you today?” usher speak, the usher told me that i could not take my coffee into the church.

“What!?!!?!?!?” was my incredulous response. Mind you my large coffee was only a quarter gone!

“We are not allowing coffee into the santuary any longer,” His eyes boring into my soul, “out of respect for God!”

“i don’t think Jesus cares if i drink coffee in the service, besides He created it!” Was the only thing I could think to say. But he was unrelenting. I went off to the library to finish my devils brew. I few minutes later i was joined by a young mother with two little kids in tow, she too had been banned, but she was clearly embarrassed. That is when i could feel anger rising inside. i thought to myself, ‘ i think that God is more concerned about we treat people in church rather than what we sip on during the message”.    

It is things like this that infuriate me about “church”. We spend so much time making sure that the members are happy that we forget that we are dealing with people coming into churches that have no idea how to speak “Christianize”….and they should not have to.

Church, should be a place where broken, dirty, weak, sinful, lonely people can come and find something so incredibly different…unconditional love and acceptence because of Christ. Many churches here in America are places where the self justified, self righteous sinner comes to condemn, belittle, and judge any that do not fit their idea of the  Christian mold.

The church can and should be so much more.

 Oh, and it may come as a shock to these individuals that Jesus didn’t fit the mold either and He would fail their test.

day 46…the journey continues

Well after a couple of weeks of illness and life I can finally continue on this quest to find…something.

It used to be so easy when I first became a “born again”. Everything was so black and white.  Secular music was “the devil”, Hollywood was filled with anti-Christian bigots producing smut and lies, so going to the movies was out because, “What if Jesus came back while I was sitting in a movie theater?”  Worldly books and magazines were not honoring to God and filled my mind with useless information.  Having a job was a good thing since it paid bills but what I did at church had  much more of an eternal impact, and being a missionary or a preacher was the highest calling one could have. 

Then of course there were the black and white social issues and there were really only three that really matter to the world of “Christendom”… Abortion, for any reason, was murder…homosexuals were evil perverts out to convert my kids to the sodomite lifestyle and AIDS was God’s judgment…and all good Christians were also very patriotic (and republican too).

Christians back in those first days of my conversion seemed to have all the answers, and stood for what was right and true and holy and just. The Bible was inerrant, Jesus was coming back in the style of the movie “Distant Thunder” or Tim Lahayes’  ”Left Behind”. And there was only one right way to look at Scripture.

I now see that I was lied too.

 If God is God then music is a gift from Him and there may be truth and beauty in music that does not sing “Jesus” in every verse. If God is God then there are movies that communicate real truth about life and relationships and emotions without having a guy running around in a robe and sandals. If God is God then there are authors that can write about things that are true without quoting a passage if scripture in the margin. If God is God then all work is holy, all work is important. If God is God then His concern for the world is not just limited to abortion, homosexuality, and the republican party (which does NOT speak for God at all).  What about poverty, social justice, and the environment?

I have found out that there are several ways of looking at Scripture, and not all of them are heretical.  I have also found out that there are some things that you cannot answer completely when it comes to the Bible such as why are there two creation stories, why did God kill kids and women, why did He condone marriage to multiple partners, and why does it seem that the Bible at times portrays two very different deities?  And why does He seem so silent?

What I have found out is that there are no easy answers, but there are people in the church that want to have all the answers so they  pretend.  And the masses of followers hang on to their every world and never question.

Oh,  for the days of ignorant faith.

25th Day of the Journey

What if…those two words continue to bounce around in my head.

What if the Bible was only written by men?
What if the church is wrong?
What if prayer does nothing?
What if all religion is merely a creation of humans to ward off the fear of death with the promise of an afterlife?
What if we are only an evolutionary anomoly?
What if this life is all that there is?

What if?

I wonder to myself do any other people who claim to be Christian ever have those thoughts? If they did would they ever speak them? Is there a danger in letting those thoughts occupy space in our brains?

Is there a fear in church leadership that does not allow for these thoughts to be spoken because to do so might undermine the leaderships position and power?

Is there more concern among Church leadership to maintain the status quo rather than to risk losing members or,  more importantly it seems among the ecclesiastical heads, a loss of money?

Here are a few more questions…these are really at the core of this quest for me.

What if the Bible actually is saying something more than what most Evangelical have been led to believe? Could a passage actually mean something other than the popular interpretaion that fits neatly with our theology?

Another question…

Could our view of God be less than who God really is? Could God be more glorious than we can even imagine? Could we as Christians be guilty of creating a god that fits our narrow understanding thus leading people away from the real God?

I think that it is possible. In fact I think that it happens everyday.

I think God is far more than an overweight preacher in an ill fitting pastel colored suit pontificating how his god speaks through him.

Next time I would like to look at the god made in the image of American Evangelicals.

Day 23 of a Journey

It has been a busy week and a half….but doubt, anxiety, and questions burden my heart, my soul, day after day after day.

A week ago this past Saturday i am at music camp with my daughter. The camp is in the middle of nowhere and the night is truly dark. I stand outside, the chilly mid September air cuts through my clothing. It is quiet…no crickets chirping, no frogs croaking, no wind blowing through the multicolored foliage, no sound. It is very dark, the darkness envelopes me. I look up at the sky and my breath is taken away. There are no clouds and the black velvet canopy is filled with stars, from horizon to horizon stars fill the sky. Right above me, what looks like a thin cloud is the Milky Way with millions upon millions of stars. There are no words, i am awestruck and i begin to cry. I know that God is there, and  stand before Him in His Cathedral.

A week later I walk through the streets of New York. Multitudes of people from every tribe, nation, and tongue before me and passing me on the sidewalk. The glory of man surrounds me in the beauty of the architecture, the parks, and in the energy and creativity only New York exudes. I sit in Washington Square Park…musicans creating melodious sounds, children laughing and running, college students reading, lovers sitting on park benches holding hands, gazing into each others eyes and becoming soulmates, and I begin to cry. God is there, His image impressed on each face, His creative spark flowing though artists, musician, and architects.

Today, I sit on the floor of my kitchen, tears pouring from my eyes, crying out to Him. My soul aching with so many confusing thoughts, questions, and self doubts. I watch the smoke of incense rise into the air, it twists and turns and ascends to the ceiling, then it evaporates and disappears, like our lives??? Sometimes leaving behind a fragrance but then that too is forgotten. Is that all life is? I have beautiful flowers from my garden on the kitchen table, the wind knocked the vase over, and many petals fell off. Again, is that all our life is? Flowers grow, then produce brilliant colors, then the cold winds come, the petals fall, they wither and die. Like us? we grow, we produce, the winds of age cause us to wither and then die.  Then as snow even covers the remains of the garden, so time covers whatever thoughts people have of us and we are forgotten.

For today i cry.  I know He is here but why does He seem silent?

Day 12 of A Journey

So I ended my last blog with a cryptic and earthy thought. Tonight I will expand without the use of profanity!

We left our church of 21 years and ventured into new territory. Leaving behind the Baptist way of life and entering the Presbyterian world of catechisms, creeds, and….rules. Not that rules didn’t exist in the Baptist church, it was just a little, how can I say, less structured.

I should have known that something was amiss when, at the church, the first function we attended  was a closing program of their Vacation Bible School, we sat under a tree on the lawn eating a hot dog, ignored by the church folk sitting at the tables. We went from the inner circle at our previous church insignificant visitor in this closed community.

We persevered and continued to attend even though few people seemed to take an interest in us.

Time moved on and we have made some good friends but even today the church does not feel like a home to us. There are cliques and groups that are closed to inviting anyone else in. It feels sometimes like coming into the middle of a movie and not getting it because you missed the first half.

Anyway, my determination NOT to get involved in ministry evaporated over a few months as I was asked to join the praise team and then asked to become an elder.  I started a college and young adult Sunday School class, ran Vacation Bible school once, and started to organize outreach. Then things started to go downhill.

By this time I had gotten a good grasp (although incomplete grasp) on God’s grace and unconditional love for us though Christ. This understanding comes out in almost everything that I did and do, from teaching, preaching to outreach. I was and am driven to love others as unconditionally as I can through Christ. Not to rescue them from hell but to show them through love a better way. If they ask questions great, if they reject the message, that is ok too since I am not the one who saves them. The work of conviction, as far as I am concerned, is the Holy Spirit’s  job, not mine.  Not everyone sees the gospel the same way I guess.

I have been at this church for almost 6 years now. I have been criticized for the way I let my daughter dress to what she reads, to what I wear and what I read as well.  I was asked to start wearing a tie so that the people who disagree with me would listen to me. I have been told that I do not respect God because I wear jeans to church services. I have been told that grace is not the only thing that the gospel is about , obedience is as important (even though it is  a correct understanding of the depth of God’s love and grace that actually leads people to obey).  I have been called a heretic, a Christ hater, and horror of horrors, a liberal. There are people at the church that despise me and have sought to have me removed as an elder.

Here is my crime…I TRY and love all people and seek to help them to become all that they have been created to be. I love the drug and alcohol abuser, I love the person living with HIV/AIDS, I love the gay and lesbian individual, I love the atheist, and people of other faiths, i love “sinners’ of all kinds because I am one too. I want, with all my heart, to see them come to Christ because there is freedom  BUT I will not shove a gospel tract in their face, I will not spout platitudes about righteousness and holiness, I will not become their friend only to turn on them when they don’t “receive Jesus”. I want to do all that I can to open dialogue with people.

But it seems like many evangelicals don’t want that.  Thus I am at odds with them. Suddenly, as in the days of middle and high school, as in my family, I once again do not fit in.

I am finding more and more that the church as it is today is not a sanctuary for the disenfranchised, weak, and lost person. It is more of a club with do’s and don’t’s and rules and regulations. There is something wrong with that, there is sadly something very “unchristian” about the Christian church.

It is driving me from it…..these people, these pharisees and guardians of all that is right and true (according to them). More importantly it is keeping people from hearing what it really true (supposedly).

This is the crossroad I stand at. If the claims of Christ are true..that one is truly free, and truly loved by God because of the cross for all eternity, then why does the church seem so rule oriented and angry? Why do most people outside the church see Christians as legalistic, narrow-minded, judgemental hypocrites?

Let me share the next few times some of the issues i am dealing with in the church I attend and also some of the issues that the church has chosen pontificate about in society.

Peace to all who have endured my ranting.